After 3 months of preparing for this day, I thought closure would be inevitable. Despite the heavy lifting, sorting through hundreds of pictures, cleaning out a half dozen closets and twice that number of cupboards, dumping out and washing canning jars, tools, fishing gear, clothes...the grief looms ever larger in the rear view mirror.
I have helped others through this process of deciding what to keep, and more importantly how to let go. But it was always after the death of a loved one. After moving my mother in law into a retirement apartment last October, I have spent several hours every weekend trying to make sense of what one deems necessary to save. Some food stuffs expired in 1994. Every nut and bolt, screw, lengths of wire, fish hook, tupperware, had to be sorted, tossed and priced depending on the perceived value - one man's trash is another man's treasure. And as it turned out that is the truth.
I can't speak to which is harder, doing this after the death of a loved one or while they are alive and grieving the loss along with you. I do, however, know that it is not something I want to leave to my children. The process serves to bring closure to a chapter in life, but I believe it can be done less painfully and accomplish the same result. Here are a few suggestions.
• Talk with estate sale people now to get a sense of what the costs will be to handle everything. Set aside a fund or designate in your final wishes that this is how you want to take care of the estate. Provide your children with a check rather than heartache.
• Sort, sort, sort! Go through your personal belongings now. Box and label things you feel are family heirlooms. Dates, names, locations, help to identify family history but also give your children choices as to what priority to give to these items. If you have digital pictures, file them in albums with dates or titles. Delete pictures that are no longer relevant. I have hundreds of pictures of items for the estate sale. They need to go away now.
• Use a family gathering, Easter, Christmas, even 4th of July to share stories of special furniture, dishes, books, photos, memorabilia. Have your children choose the items they would like to keep. Put their name on the items or keep a list with your final wishes.
• Remind yourself - they are only things. Enjoy them while you have them and their memories when you don't.
I would not wish this job on my worst enemy. Although it is definitely the road to closure, we can pack lighter and prepare better for the journey for ourselves and those who follow.
Images: photo by Eularee